Body Image, Self-Worth and Yoga

My personal journey of building self-esteem

Like most young people, I suffered from a lack of self-esteem throughout much of my childhood and into my late twenties. Negative body image was a big part of this struggle.

My internal monologue would constantly repeat a litany of critiques: my nose was too big, my thighs too fat, my legs too short, my breasts too small, my feet too wide, my eyelashes too thin, my bottom disgustingly large... and so on.

At one particularly difficult point, I remember dyeing my hair 10 times in the space of a week.

There were days when I didn't leave the house for university lectures because every time I tried to get dressed, I felt so sickened by my appearance that I would change my clothes and remove and reapply my makeup from scratch. I would end up in tears each time and eventually crawl into bed to hide.

Reading this now makes me feel incredibly sad and exhausted, remembering just how bad I felt. Does any of this sound familiar to you? I hope not, but I suspect it might.

Exercise and Body Image: Seeking Aesthetic Improvement

Even during the worst times, I always felt more positive after exercising. But the effect of those endorphins was often short-lived when it came to my negative body image.

If I'm honest, most of the hours I spent running, lifting weights, and experimenting with fitness trends were spent pursuing a 'better looking body' - not a healthier or stronger one, simply a better looking one.

Sometimes I achieved what I was looking for; occasionally my arms or stomach would appear toned and I would feel happier. But there was always something I hated about my appearance, however hard I worked. And in fact, the more I pushed my body in pursuit of 'thinness' the more I exacerbated issues with my knees.

Sadly, no amount of exercise really changed the way I fundamentally viewed myself. Just to feel worthy of leaving the house, I would still 'need' to apply fake tan, hair extensions, and false eyelashes - I always thought people would be disgusted by the natural me.

Learning to Appreciate My Body Through Yoga

Yoga has been life-changing for me in many ways. One aspect I'm particularly grateful for is gaining the ability to truly appreciate my body for the amazing machine that it is.

It happened slowly but surely.

I remember first lifting my toes off the floor in crow pose and feeling amazement that it had finally happened. How was I managing to balance on my hands alone?

I remember being on top of a mountain in Austria with my husband, realising I'd skied all day without knee pain or codeine - something that would have been unthinkable before I started practicing yoga.

I remember the first time I made it through a 90-minute hot yoga class without sitting out a single posture. The sense of achievement was huge - I was on cloud nine throughout the entire working day.

I remember the feeling of strength when I marched up all the steps from Angel underground station (the longest escalator in London) without panting for the first time.

Somehow, even though my body still carried the same 'flaws' I'd always perceived, I started to love movement - not for the way it made my body look, but for movement's sake.

... and the more I practised yoga, the less my appearance seemed to matter. The false eyelashes were forgotten, never to be reapplied. The fake tan was dropped (I always hated the smell, and don't know how I put up with it for so long). The hair dye boxes made their way further and further back in the bathroom cupboard that I forgot they existed until we moved house. The hair extensions became a toy for the cat to play with.

The Wonder of What Our Bodies Can Do

Yoga has made me so much more aware of the phenomenal range of movements our bodies can make. All bodies - not just those of people who've worked hard to develop a certain physique, but every single body.

This is perhaps most visible when physical bodies don't fit the 'able bodied' mold - humans are capable of a stunning range of movement - you only need to watch a Paralympic event to realise this.

... So, maybe it would be nice to have slimmer hips and a less prominent nose. But honestly, I really (really) don't care anymore.

I love and respect what my body can do. Hiking up a mountain? Pure wonder, and privilege. Growing new life and bringing two children into the world? That's pretty f***ing amazing.

My body carries me from A to B. It lets me reach to grab something on a high shelf and crouch low to pick up things we drop. For now, it even lets me squat over a dirty toilet seat in a public loo.

Of course, it's not just yoga that's helped me improve my body image - my partner has played a significant role, as have health issues faced by friends and family that have helped me gain perspective.

The journey to self-acceptance isn't always linear, and some days are harder than others.

But yoga has given me tools to appreciate my body for what it can do rather than criticising it for how it looks. And that shift in perspective has been transformative.

I hope that one day, you too might find wonder in movement.